Healthy Relationships
I was recently asked by a client how one knows if they are in a healthy relationship or not. This is a great question as many people don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, whether or not that comes from their childhood, from being manipulated by a partner, or from that Spidey-sense that questions everything.
Intimate relationships are complex entities that require attention and work. We all feel and show love in different ways and we likely will not match perfectly with anyone, but we work towards understanding and fulfillment with our partners. Keep in mind that no relationship is 100% perfect and no person displays healthy behavior 100% of the time. We all come from different households, experience life in distinctive ways, and we arrive in a relationship with a variety of good and bad habits. This can lead to a variety of communication issues and maladaptive ways of relating to each other. With that being said, there are destructive patterns that can be subtle and ignoring them can turn into a much larger problem.
If you are not satisfied in your relationship, it can be because you need help understanding each other and ways to communicate. However, it is important to recognize some ways in which a relationship is unhealthy overall. My first concern is when someone isolates their partner. This includes cutting off communication to and from loved ones. If you feel as though you do not have as much communication with your friends and family as you used to or feel like you’re doing something wrong by contacting them, this is an unhealthy dynamic. Another concern is if someone is manipulating their partner. If you find that someone tries to control your emotions or actions, this is unhealthy and can become abusive. This can come in the form of guilting, being possessive, or belittling. When someone makes you feel you are responsible for their happiness, that is a warning sign that they are manipulating you. It is also a red flag when someone is possessive to the point of controlling who you hang out with or what you do throughout the day. Belittling means that someone is putting you down and attempts to lower your self esteem as a means for control. Volatility is also something that points to an unhealthy relationship. If you find that your partner and/or yourself have strong and unpredictable reactions, particularly if this incites fear in you and/or your partner, this is unhealthy and can be abusive. Another way to know if a relationship is unhealthy is if you and your partner are not on the same page as far as how quickly a relationship is moving. For example, if one person believes that they are on the track to get engaged in the next coming months but the other person believes they will never get engaged, it can create an unhealthy dynamic, particularly if this is not being discussed openly. There are also behaviors such as betrayal and sabotaging that either partners could do to each other. This can include smaller examples such as lying to or not supporting one another. Bigger examples might include cheating or ruining a partner's reputation with others.
Listed above are behaviors that would be very concerning to me as a clinician and I would want to explore further how they are impacting a client. If you do not think that this is quite where your relationship is at, there could be other unhealthy dynamics going on. One dynamic could be one or both partner’s mental health. If someone is experiencing symptoms such as depression, anxiety, hallucinations, etc., this can vastly impact a relationship and they might need to focus on themselves and their own treatment. Another dynamic could be a co-dependency issue. This can be caused by one partner needing extra support from the other and is often based in addiction or illness. In codependent relationships, boundaries are crossed in a variety of ways, including emotionally, financially, and in regards to our time. Codependency can also include partners enabling each other to be irresponsible, immature, and unmotivated to accomplish things.
Lastly, if you are unhappy when you are around your partner, it could simply mean that you are not a good match for each other. Oftentimes it is easier to end a relationship when trust has clearly been broken or an event has occurred. However, it is harder to break up with someone because you are just not right for each other. If your partner inspires unhappiness and resentment, then you are trying to fit a square peg into a round whole and you are both likely miserable. Relationships should include honesty, consent, mutual respect, and fun! While this will not be all the time, it should be the majority of the time.
With all of that being said, this would be my general advice on exploring your relationship and gaining happiness.
Stay away from social media if you feel as though you are getting caught up in what others are doing in their relationships. Separating ourselves from social media can help us see what is going on in our own lives more clearly.
Take an online quiz of the Five Love Languages with your partner so you can discover more about how to give and receive love. It’s free and easy to complete! By understanding each other and putting effort into different expressions of love, you can build a more satisfying relationship.
Use “I statements” wherein you talk about your feelings, where they are coming from, and what you need. This can reduce defensiveness and increase clarity in communication.
Make sure that you are asking for your emotional, sexual, intellectual, and mental needs to be met and that you are actively listening to your partner on what they need.
Seek counseling for your own mental health. This can include working through trauma that is impacting the way you relate to others, learning new coping skills and communication techniques, understanding any co-dependency that you might be experiencing, and understanding what it is you need in order to be happy.
Be honest with yourself and with your partner around what the relationship feels like to you.
If you recognize any of the more concerning controlling and abusive behaviors listed above, please reach out to a victim advocacy center.